Holding a dream. 

He’s like a dream

I’ve ever imagined 

But never believed in. 


As it’s so raw

That rest of the world seems adulterated.

It’s so intimate,

Scaring me because I’m moving away from myself. 


It’s defining the life 

With the new dimensions I was unaware of,

It’s bringing the joys 

Not in fractions, in total settling deep in unreached senses. 


The dream I desire to 

Narrate the whole world as I feel privilege to find,

The dream I wish to 

Keep secrete for the sacredness it holds. 

Unlife 

She wondered with her thoughts 

And wandered in her acts,

Letting things infused within 

She walked as a spectator on the side. 

Keeping away undesired light,

she conquered the smoke 

By herself becoming the fire

Traded emotions on stock of pyre. 

Sensitive

The sensitive crowd

abusing each other,

throwing stone,

marching with sticks,

screaming on news channels,

rioting on streets,

raping the modesty of women,

murdering brothers & fathers of family.

The sensitive crowd is hurt,

hurt of the incapabilities,

hurt of the stubborn ego leading nowhere,

hurt of the unknown pride which is lost in dust,

hurt of the never found ambitions.

The sensitive crowd needs blood,

as all what is has is an empty flesh…..

 

Don`t talk

Don`t talk of love

it exists,

but it dies

& you survive

with the love that stinks.

Don`t talk of love

it surprises,

but ends with shock

& plays with feelings

with ending blindly.

Don`t talk of love

it entertains,

but gives pain

& make you dance on heaven

with the hell waiting nearby.

Don`t talk of love

I`ve stopped acknowledging it

& life is a better affair…

India and Masturbation. 

Masturbation seems a more shocking word to Indian society than sex. Sex is still acceptable of course if you’re married (we’re Indian should remember😓) but masturbation is like a whole other level. I don’t understand why do people shy about their healthy sexual growth. Yes it’s socialisation and so much of tabooing everything, but few days back was having a normal conversation with my girlfriends on a whatsapp group and a friend used a word ‘Chhhiii’ on the fact of fingering. I know many elderly people reading this blog might’ve closed their eyes finding so many no no words but yeah being an educated and well socialised person too she thinks this way too. Or maybe in India we keep our so called not existing innocence alive by saying oh we don’t know this exist or we don’t enjoy this. My words for them are- you’re really foolish if you can’t explore your own body and you’ve some serious issues if you’re incapable to enjoy it too. 
It’s kind of gender stereotyping in masturbation thing. Thinking of a guy doing this is very easy and you really don’t feel good about him, as he might be a guy watching porn and really not receiving sex at all. Imagining a girl while masturbating is a sexier task, more a seductive style. But in both case of course neediness is there. It’s not coming as something natural but extreme thoughts are attached. However with girls it’s mostly like no we don’t know what masturbation is, no we don’t enjoy this, no we don’t give our guy oral (as again it’s some ‘chhii task’) and so on maybe they’ll call themselves virgin too forever. 
It’s not actually about society always what I mean. On my whatsapp group there was no judgemental society sitting but still some had that opinion. As if it’s an out of the world and not so important thing. We easily judge the society but we fail to evaluate ourselves. Really it doesn’t matter whether you do something or not but the point is of accepting. And it’s not even about accepting but not making as it some kinky thing. Our society structured in a way of hiding very basic facts of life and make them sound improper and so various hesitations and mix-informations arise. For eg still in most of the magazines kids ask this query that I masturbate a lot, is it gonna effect my health !! Reading biology and some feminist articles don’t make a person aware now I feel. It’s more about attitude of person which needs to be enriched with personal efforts only in the end. So yes please don’t masturbate sitting next to a person in bus or your office but do enjoy your personal space whenever you can.

Bright as dark

Wearing an orange frock,

She visits my home daily.

Complexion defined by the sun, 

and destiny would also by someone. 


Never walks on a straight road,

Jumps over stones marking achievements .

Hair tied like faded mysterious nest

And pearls are shining around the neck. 


She doesn’t need books and pencil,

Nature and wind are her tutors.

Smiles like a butterfly swinging,

Dancing, hiding again reappearing. 


Loves to play once in a while,

Crosses her brother in the race. 

But this run is gonna end soon,

As she’ll be marrying by next new moon. 


New hut would be her defined universe,

Collecting woods her new winnings.

In mornings she’d work for kind,

In evenings among stars her old dreams she may find…..

It’s not a havoc 

I don’t want to reach someday at the stage when I’ll lose sensitivity or the charm of relations. In all through our lives we make efforts for basically two things one is our work and the other is our relations. Both are in our hands and not in our hands at the same time. Seriously I don’t know what to write exactly but there’s such an emotional and thoughtful rush inside me which wants to splurge out. 

Talking about work I’ve absolute no idea where my life is going towards. I’ve cleared the exam and got the job and undergoing the training. I don’t know exactly what interests me nor I know is this the thing I’d be really handeling through out my life. Sometimes I feel it’s all the matter of opportunity and success. If I’ll find success in the same then I might feel that I’m enjoying it. But I’ve still not found that something which I’ll do, which I’ll enjoy, which will bring certain passion out of me and which makes my life worthwhile. I can’t understand how to explore myself now when I couldn’t done it in past 26 years of my life. Everyone has hobby or source of entertainment but I understand that’s different and I’m failing to understand what I need in real. 

And on relation side I don’t think anyone would be as screwed as me in this front. I wish for a simple life but I hate my emotional weaknesses and the issue of getting dependent when I can’t handle myself. I’ve made very wrong choices in past and the worse was building my hopes on them. Hope is the best thing that can happen to you and is the worst when you try to break it by yourself. And you try to break it not because you want it but because you know this hope is hopeless. It hurts. I don’t want to lose my trust and faith in relations and love and the forever bonding but I’m scared to feel in this front. I don’t know whether I’m broken or vanished in this side now. I can’t even blame other people or my luck but sometimes I think you don’t need all sorts of experiences in life. 

I’m still figuring out and not waiting for some miracle to happen. I’m not afraid of mediocre stuff nor wishing for some extraordinary achievements. I’m just looking for bits and pieces of happiness and some real joy. 

A good Saturday. 

I actually wanted to write a poem but I’m not finding any inspiration or thoughts like that. So I thought of writing about my day only as it had been a good day after long. And obviously being a girl and for a person like me shopping, good food and coffee and nice ambience would work wonders. I didn’t go for my yoga classes today and woke up at 11:30am in the morning. After having lunch went for some shopping as it was a day off today. It was a sunny day in winters so pleasant enough to walk out. Shopped some stuffs and ultimately landed up to Sankley’s the mountain cafe in m block gk1 market. It had a nice Christmassy ambience. Calm and peaceful place to sit with soulful music. I ordered white penny pasta and a delicious creamy mocha coffee. The food was delicious and that made my day. Actually before that I even had street momos too thus was full by the end. After coming back to my place I went to jnu campus for some walk and again had a good filter coffee and Upma at India coffee house there. So it was a pleasantly sweet day after long and not filled with messiness and tensions around.  As usual sharing some pics with you of the cafe 😊. For the first time I restrained myself from having wine and I’m happy o this fact.