Work and Reward….

The lifetime of human revolves around learning, working and seeking for rewards in the end. No matter it’s professional or personal, we humans term every part of life as a successful relation, successful career, successful habit, or a failed relation, failed project or a fail adventurous attempt. This defines not only our identity for others, but becomes a major criteria to look at oneself. This whole chain of work and reward is somehow our survival instinct and we like to call it “meaning” or “purpose” of life. This isn’t seen much in any other life forms or part of nature. Animals mostly spend their time in survival instincts and plants have their cycle and seasons to function upon. Other than humans mostly everyone’s just following the laws of nature and commands of a power that’s eventually driving us all. Although we humans like to call our rewards as “fruits”, but fruits are an outcome that’re unstoppable mostly, with different taste, different colour shades and different fragrance too. A tree in itself can’t damage it’s own fruits but mostly dependent on what’s provided to it or what calamities it faces, but our fruits or rewards are mostly an outcome of our own labor or luck sometimes.

How important these rewards actually are in our lives? Or how does it work actually…. should we keep the reward in our mind and then work for it or should we just work and wait for the reward to be received? Or third alternate is to completely enjoy the process or your love for certain things and not even think about the reward at all. For me personally, the third alternate is a better approach because then the journey in itself becomes a reward and a pure solitude it brings. But this isn’t practical mostly because we live in society, where you’ve to reap particular rewards to gain a respectable position in society, then you’ve to showcase them time to time to gain popularity or followers or to become a mentor maybe and you’ve to keep looking for more and more rewards and plan your journey consciously to achieve them on time to again flaunt it. And sometimes it’s not about flaunting too, but there’re certain things we’ve been told and witnessed in our lives, which are kind of common to everyone and so our internal satisfaction and a drive to perform is also dependent on it.

The seek for reward attitude not only brings pressure or puts one in a vicious cycle of performance but also takes away the personal identity of a person. Most of the times we don’t even realize it but then it effects everyone at social combined level, all the idenitytless people roaming, showing worthless rewards and claiming their own insecurities abruptly and so creating a chaotic surrounding to survive. We’re no more concerned with our journeys forget about rewards, but we’re concerned about how many people follow us in our journey, how much we could positively effect other people’s life or how much famous we could get in the process…but is this world really a positive place ? It’s not, because again finding satisfaction by influencing others might give you a sense of reward, but real or truth sense of satisfaction could only be internalized.. In olden time a guru was never seeking for students, but was only busy in working on his/her knowledge or craft and taking it as sadhna, a student used to find the guru and pursue him a lot to be the disciple and learn under him/her. Then once guru was convinced that the person is perfect to become his disciple and has the ability and willingness to sacrifice and learn from him, then after accepting him, took it as duty to make him a scholar. But in todays time everyone wants to be guru, everyone wants to share the information and little bit of knowledge they’ve and take pride in it. Thus losing the sense of work, work process, duty, discipline, ethics, sincerity and ultimately the meaning of reward.

in my life, the real meaning behind sadhna and to value the reality of it has been introduced to my consciousness in past few months. Without knowing it too, most of our student life we practice it and work accordingly. But it’s a different experience when your inner self acknowledges it and starts realizing the value and moral behind it. Sadhna isn’t just a duty but it’s hardship, it’s challenging your presence but at the same time giving you affection and satisfaction to the real you. I wish we all start taking our complete life as some sadhna, and add value, love, nurture and duty to our lifestyle. We don’t want to function to show the world and to collect the things manufacture by us only, but if we really want to find meanings in our life, collect the thoughts of inner self, learn the crafts created us and move forward or backwards or left or right, where your heart and soul lies….

Realization

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I’ve realized lot many things in life and there’re thousands of experiences still waiting to get unfold. Not getting philosophical but there’s certainly a difference between realization and learning. But today I’m just writing about acknowledging the realities and facts in our lives. Most of the times we’re busy in comprehending our own emotions and of the nature people around us. Our actions just become the reactions of the situations and of people. Thus we keep our lives busy in being standing on the defensive side. Our choices are the mere reactions of what the market is telling us, our behavior becomes a reaction of how we’re perceiving the people. our work style becomes a reaction of how much other people are achieving or mere a desire to earn more to buy more and so on. In fact our health and fitness also become a reaction of what we see on social media and what’s trending. We’re living in the momentary passions and momentary emotions. Always struggling and defending.

I’ve personally kind of stopped articulating people. And now what I’m going to say isn’t about showing how intense I’m or maybe a certain hypocrisy but to be very honest I feel people are losing their depths and composure. However the futile exercise has become to observe others, it’s more necessary to dive inside our own and explore the realities to the truth. My inner realizations are innumerous but what I benefitted from acknowledging one fact is that we give insignificant amount of importance to happiness and sorrow both. Most of my life I was focusing on this made me happy and that made me sad or I’m feeling low now and I’m feeling so excited. And of course these are human emotions and we’re bound to feel and act according to them and our mood, but sometimes our life ends up revolving around these feelings only. TO make my point more clear, if you scroll through any social media site an read what people are saying, in a single day just reading the stuff could bring unlimited emotions inside you. And is this is a futile exercise? Absolutely not ! And this is what I mean that how emotions could dictate you sometimes without generating any productive outcome. So now when I wake up I don’t much pay attention to what I’m feeling like until it’s some sickness, but have a set routine for 1-2 hours and keep myself busy in that before heading to the office and it turns out to be perfect. When I go through my social media accounts I don’t read people as it’s a challenge to my thoughts or personality, but as Okay these sets of ideas also exist and fine. So it doesn’t mean emotions have stopped existing, but they’re not my driving force now or at least I’m trying for that. And the real emotions, permanent emotions and the ones that matter to me seriously definitely feel more strong and beautifully.

In this whole mechanical setup we’re losing the essence of life. The essence of life is ultimately in nature itself. The nature doesn’t run in extreme mood everyday like volcano eruptions or earthquakes or floods etc ain’t invited in every two hours. But we humans are pushing ourselves too hard. We see a subject or topic or issue and we fail to think about it, because there’s always a search engine doing that for us, we just have to take a side and find accordingly. We’re losing our imaginations and losing the value of people who do that, maybe we find them unbearable and so. The same we’re passing on to the next generation and they’re adding more of aloofness to it. The world is no end and we admire living in nostalgia but let’s try to feel truly and value the life.

Our pieces

The peace is in pieces

you’ve to pick a one

and then another…and so on…

The things you love won’t find you,

but you’d carve path to discover them in surprise

with the pieces left behind in your hands..

The journey is long and you need to realise,

neither the path nor the end matters,

but it’s all about the pieces you gather,

and the pieces you drop…

In Silence

Staring at the dark

I embrace the silence inside me,

The silence which is so deep,

and is so never ending..

The silence that has accepted everything, always !

And the silence that has rejected else, silently.

The subtle words spoken to me,

While taking long deep breaths,

Sitting under the showering sun of cold winters

By you,

Are so soft that melts in my heart,

Becomes a part of my existence, silently.

Close the eyes for a second, consciously,

& feel the warmth it brings inside you,

The love you were looking for since ages,

has been struggling to find you, was inside you… 

How I lost 20 kg

I was never an obese person. I always enjoyed working out and going out for runs. Physical activities have always been integral part of my routine. Well two and a half years back I got pregnant. And I weighed 64 kg back then. I had no medical conditions and was totally fit. So during my pregnancy days I was doing simple exercises, mostly squats and lunges, was going for long walks and was eating moderately healthy home cooked food. I took my maternity leave when was eight months pregnant as was planning to go to my parents’ place for the delivery. I was walking 6 kms daily, mopping floor in evening for more mobility and simpler yoga ( mostly followed Lara Dutta’s pre natal yoa routine). But I started gaining more weight in my last months and it was fine as wasn’t diabetic. Eventually my baby had no early plans to come out and he was born kind of a month after my due date prescribed. It was emergency c section. I was weighing 78 kgs back then. And after delivery my weight was 74 kg around.

Now the next one and a half month was tragic because of baby’s health reasons which is quite personal story so not mentioning. But because of that despite going through c section I had to travel a lot. I mean by road and flight etc, I had to stay in hospital for a month and took care of my baby. So all my friends and family were mostly like she’d be haunted by these surgical pains throughout her life as neither she got proper nutritional diet which she could’ve got at home nor enough bed rest, so recovery would be an issue for long term. Then friends and relatives and aunties had informed me with their personal knowledgeable experiences that after c section

  1. your body would change. You’ll gain more weight and you won’t lose enough ever.
  2. you’ll never be back to your original size or shape ever.
  3. you’ll get permanent back ache and other body pains
  4. these pains will remain with you anytime you’ll feel weak or age.
  5. few exercises you won’t be able to perform again.

So I knew life won’t be same again somehow. And these women mostly from US or Europe who post their post natal bodies on social media, it’s mostly a sham or they never gained weight as such.

Well after coming back from the hospital I had to completely be kind of devote to my kid as it was a very crucial time for him. I had to breastfeed so it was important for me to gain all nutrients. I couldn’t risk to lose my milk production in any case. Doctors told me this was the most important medicine you could provide him. So I didn’t keep any maid, and ate all laddoos and good food to keep myself full and healthy. Withing two months I was 80 kg. I had to feed my baby in every one hour for whole day… And I was doing yoga for 20 mins if I found time, very simpler ones, specially pelvic exercises.

Well now when baby was four months old and I was really fat. I had no full size mirror in my room, so used to stand on stool in bathroom and looked at myself and felt nothing could be more repulsive than it. But you know I wasn’t a sad person or depressed about it because I had my priority clear that was my baby. And secondly I knew once I”ll get some time and baby would start taking external food then I’ll think about my diet and all because I always enjoyed working out and it wasn’t an issue to me that ohh god I hate exercising. So I started more doing balancing yoga and few more asanas. I was on my toes all the time as remind you there was no maid. 

Now baby is six months old and I’ve the same weight but now we could introduce food to him. Still had to breastfeed him majorly so no diet control. But now I started going out on brisk walk more often. And I was using 3 kg weights for my simple exercises. Till now I wasn’t jumping or running a lot. My pelvic muscles weren’t that tight also and I felt it’ll remain so forever. The point was I wasn’t taking much stress about my figure and weight because of health conditions of my kid. 

So in next three months I’ve become more active, active in terms of doing complex workouts with my light weights 😛 and 12 mins runs with abs workout. Otherwise I was taking care of the baby so definitely was active all the time. And till now I was taking my laddoo diet 😛 Now the laddoos were over. And i lost 2 kg I guess but in my head I started feeling like I’m not that fat. But I was. And when I used to see myself in pics or mirror I was like uhh it’s because of some angle or light. And yeah my lovely husband always told me how sexy I was so you know was never an issue. I wasn’t losing weight but was more toned. But people around me now weren’t that sympathetic and were telling me I’ve ruined my body, I’ve never looked that uglier or you know to sum up how bad my body conditions were. Again it didn’t trouble me, because you know priorities. More of thing is I’m a confident person. I’ve never been the one who needed validations from other people. Like If I know I’m looking pretty then I know I’m pretty and the world could see it, so it’s fine if people won’t tell me that. Or If I’m not looking good then I know I’m looking bad and I’m fine about it. I don’t live in confusion. 

Well Diwali approaches and I’ve fat but still looking presentable. Now for the again three months I’m at home, not joined back office, feeding my kid, doing simple exercises and adding complexities to it. I was eating out too quite often, like every alternate day. And I was eating till late too as was feeding my baby late in night quite very often. So I knew I’ve developed seriously wrong food habits with time. Then my baby is one year old and now I knew finally I could start. Exercises like jumping squats, burpees, star squats, running lunges were impossible for me. 

Now I went to my parents home in Feb end around, there I started getting more time as my parents and sister was there to take care of him. Well it’s an isolated places so for a month I had no place to order and didn’t eat any junk food. I took out 20 mins in morning and 45 mins around in evening for exercises. I used to watch these fitness blender, hasfit and other youtube workout videos and just followed them. Now I wasn’t using any weights while doing these exercises. In a month I was 72 kg from 76 kg around. Well at least I could fit into a jeans by then. I was happy because I made progress, and not in terms of fitting into jeans or losing weight but also I could do all my body weight workouts. And in a month I again got back into controlled and healthy food habits. Well from Feb on wards I had also started with one day water fast on Friday also. It also controlled my food impulses a lot. fast to me is kind of mediation to my body.

April I came back nd I had to do all jhadoo,pocha,cooking and cleaning by myself as had no mid back then. It was kind of morning workout schedule for me. And I got 5 kg and 7.5 kg dumbbell for me. I had started doing those youtube workouts with weights almost 5 days a week and yoga in between. In a month by May end I was 70 kg. I was eating out in between but now I was checking my portions a lot. 

My husband has been doing intermittant fasting from past 4 years now. I knew it’s a blessing..this whole discipline. So I also thought to gave it a try, and made my eating window 12:30 am to 8:30 pm. Surprisingly it went natural to me.I had faced no struggle from day one. The one thing which helped me a lot out of it besides the calorie check and insulin control and other 100 benefits was it controlled my habit of snacking every time and taking one cookie while working, it made me more conscious and alert. Now It’s October and in five months around I’ve lost 10 kg with intermittant fasting, my home workouts (got 10 kg dumbbell too), one day water fast, running few times a month and most importantly portion control.

I joined back office in July. I do HIIT two times a week. one day is leg day, one day is upper body day and one full body day. I workout in evenings 7 pm to 7:30 pm and do half an hour yoga in morning 7 am to 7:30 am. In my yoga routine I always include surya namaskar 10 times and then asanas as per my need or mood followed by 10 mins meditation. I always workout with weights as it adds more challenge and have been helpful to me in building strength. I want to go to the gym to add more challenge and seriousness to the schedule but baby is still very young and I already spend my day in office so wish to spend the rest with him as much as I could. He loves doing high knees, squats, yoga asanas and plank with me 😛 I’ll join gym if I could with time but quite satisfied with my journey and progress. I cook every meal by myself so I eat healthy mostly. But on Sundays I do eat outside (one meal) or in between also I don’t take much stress of food but check my calorie intake and portions consciously. I do ended up in binge eating in between for me it’s cornflakes namkeen and pizza. But now I stay away from namkeen completely and take just one pizza slice to comfort myself. I don’t take sugar at all. Neither a fan of chocolates or ice cream too as such. I love to workout and get very angry at my husband if I don’t get time some days. But I try doing it even if i find 10 mins. The journey has been good so far. The all the ailments prescribed by friends,relatives and aunties ain’t a trouble to me, as I’ve no back pains or body aches at all. My stomach is fine but have lose skin blob in my lower belly and working out on it specially through yoga. I’ve gained tiny stretch marks on my tummy but such stuffs don’t bother me as such. Well my medical reports and fitness was fine even when I was fat but that doesn’t mean it’d have remained fine if I had kept that for long. My goal was to never attained some figure but to again do all the workouts and back to my fitness routine with no issues. Now I’m 60 kg around and measure 36-28-37 from 42-40-44 inches before. I can’t give fitness advise as such but I’ve learnt a lot about my own body and it’s energy. And I’m glad I learnt about it in right direction. I’m glad I had wonderful husband who motivated me and never made me feel conscious throughout. Your body is your true treasure and taking care of it does make lot of difference. Do take care

Sustain

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Word by word I rise,

line by line I fall.

Destiny seems to be supreme,

breath by breath I recall.

All the stars shining around,

hoping one would lay down and admire.

But one is busy in hopping for burried diamonds,

sullied the wishes in rotten attire.

Standing in dusk waiting for dawn,

crawling in dawn to harrow in rain.

We spend the moments unfinished,

dreaming for neverland where life is unstained

Holding a dream. 

He’s like a dream

I’ve ever imagined 

But never believed in. 


As it’s so raw

That rest of the world seems adulterated.

It’s so intimate,

Scaring me because I’m moving away from myself. 


It’s defining the life 

With the new dimensions I was unaware of,

It’s bringing the joys 

Not in fractions, in total settling deep in unreached senses. 


The dream I desire to 

Narrate the whole world as I feel privilege to find,

The dream I wish to 

Keep secrete for the sacredness it holds. 

Unlife 

She wondered with her thoughts 

And wandered in her acts,

Letting things infused within 

She walked as a spectator on the side. 

Keeping away undesired light,

she conquered the smoke 

By herself becoming the fire

Traded emotions on stock of pyre. 

Sensitive

The sensitive crowd

abusing each other,

throwing stone,

marching with sticks,

screaming on news channels,

rioting on streets,

raping the modesty of women,

murdering brothers & fathers of family.

The sensitive crowd is hurt,

hurt of the incapabilities,

hurt of the stubborn ego leading nowhere,

hurt of the unknown pride which is lost in dust,

hurt of the never found ambitions.

The sensitive crowd needs blood,

as all what is has is an empty flesh…..

 

Don`t talk

Don`t talk of love

it exists,

but it dies

& you survive

with the love that stinks.

Don`t talk of love

it surprises,

but ends with shock

& plays with feelings

with ending blindly.

Don`t talk of love

it entertains,

but gives pain

& make you dance on heaven

with the hell waiting nearby.

Don`t talk of love

I`ve stopped acknowledging it

& life is a better affair…