I don’t want to reach someday at the stage when I’ll lose sensitivity or the charm of relations. In all through our lives we make efforts for basically two things one is our work and the other is our relations. Both are in our hands and not in our hands at the same time. Seriously I don’t know what to write exactly but there’s such an emotional and thoughtful rush inside me which wants to splurge out.
Talking about work I’ve absolute no idea where my life is going towards. I’ve cleared the exam and got the job and undergoing the training. I don’t know exactly what interests me nor I know is this the thing I’d be really handeling through out my life. Sometimes I feel it’s all the matter of opportunity and success. If I’ll find success in the same then I might feel that I’m enjoying it. But I’ve still not found that something which I’ll do, which I’ll enjoy, which will bring certain passion out of me and which makes my life worthwhile. I can’t understand how to explore myself now when I couldn’t done it in past 26 years of my life. Everyone has hobby or source of entertainment but I understand that’s different and I’m failing to understand what I need in real.
And on relation side I don’t think anyone would be as screwed as me in this front. I wish for a simple life but I hate my emotional weaknesses and the issue of getting dependent when I can’t handle myself. I’ve made very wrong choices in past and the worse was building my hopes on them. Hope is the best thing that can happen to you and is the worst when you try to break it by yourself. And you try to break it not because you want it but because you know this hope is hopeless. It hurts. I don’t want to lose my trust and faith in relations and love and the forever bonding but I’m scared to feel in this front. I don’t know whether I’m broken or vanished in this side now. I can’t even blame other people or my luck but sometimes I think you don’t need all sorts of experiences in life.
I’m still figuring out and not waiting for some miracle to happen. I’m not afraid of mediocre stuff nor wishing for some extraordinary achievements. I’m just looking for bits and pieces of happiness and some real joy.